Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Met a cool trans guy named Aiden* through Fetlife; we’re going on a date the week after next if he can find the time. I actually like him a LOT– he’s like a cross between me and my best friend but even quirkier, which I didn’t think was possible but is quite a plus. I had a jealousy attack when I offered to show him pictures of me and the Boyfriend, and he said he had already found him on his own. But I guess that expresses interest, right?

*All names are changed to protect the guilty.

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Many poly arrangements begin with two people in a “traditional” relationship who have very modern ways of thinking, and therefore decide to branch out. However, this kind of transition can be tough and hard to navigate. As somebody who’s done it, let me give you some advice on how to open up an existing relationship to new partners.

 

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco...

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco Pride 2004. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

  1. Communicate. Discuss what each of you want from this undertaking. Ask each other questions like: Why do you want to do this? What kind of partners are you looking for? What kind of relationship do you want with these partners? What are your boundaries and hard limits? What sort of relationship structure would be best for you?
  2. Be serious. Using polyamory as an excuse to cheat is not okay. If you are earnest about the poly philosophy and using it to benefit everyone involved, then you should proceed.
  3. Pick new partners together. Whether you are considering a triangle arrangement or not, it may help both partners ease into the lifestyle if you make the partner selection process into teamwork. That way, everyone feels comfortable, included, and maybe even excited!
  4. Learn to deal with jealousy. It WILL happen, and everybody has different methods of dealing with it. Try talking with your partner about it and asking for reassurance, and if that doesn’t help, arrange to go out with friends while your partner is on a date so you don’t feel lonely or left out. (I’ll make sure to write another post exploring this issue.)
  5. COMMUNICATE. Never stop asking yourself and your partner(s) questions, and always listen to the answers.

If anybody else has input, feel free to leave a comment!

 

 

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Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Wanna hear something cute? The Boyfriend and I met on OKCupid, and decided to take our relationship to the meatsphere once we figured out that he lived two doors down from my best friend in the dorms. Another of my partners was a friend who found out I was kinky and available when she stumbled across my profile on the site.

While this is not my preferred method for finding partners (I’ll explain in a subsequent post), it’s relatively reliable and often where people begin looking.

Here are my tips for OKC success:

  • Put up a good picture. This is a basic ingredient for success, because people trust you more when they can see your eyes (and they learn right off the bat that they’re attracted to you!).
  • Be honest. This is the second basic ingredient that every OKCupid profile needs, whether you’re poly or not.
  • List yourself as “available.” Many people will immediately rule you out for dating if you list yourself as “seeing someone” or “married,” because they assume you are cheating on a spouse or partner. I don’t blame them.
  • Somewhere in the beginning of your profile, mention that you are in an open/poly relationship (or whatever your preferred term is) so that monogamous people don’t end up being “led along.”
  • Get your partner(s) to make profiles too, and mention their usernames along with your relationship description, reminding people that they can go check out their pages as well. In my opinion, this spirit of family and camaraderie is an important thing to see for someone who might join you. It proves that you’re not just cheating on a partner, but that you engage in a positive and healthy lifestyle that benefits everyone involved.

Good luck! If you have any more tips (or need advice) leave me a comment and I’l get back to you ASAP!

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I know this because I’m a blogging addict. While we’re here, we may as well get some things out of the way, because as I said, I have a lot of adjectives.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is the opposite of monogamy, which is in our culture the “default” system of two partners being emotionally and sexually involved only with each other. Polyamorous people, on the other hand, have multiple partners at once, with all partners consenting to this arrangement (meaning it’s not cheating). There are many ways to be polyamorous.

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, meaning we are each other’s primary partners, but we also branch out into other, slightly less committed relationships.

What does it mean to be kinky?

Kinky people engage or are interested in fetishes and BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and/or masochism). I am mainly a submissive, but sometimes like to try some sadism or dominance.

What the hell is pansexual?

While most people might describe me as bisexual, I prefer the term “pansexual,” meaning I have attractions to people of all genders (yes, there are more than two).

What does it mean to be transgender?

Transgender people feel a divide between the sex that they were assigned at birth, and the gender they feel themselves to be. So while everyone has thought of me my entire life as a girl, I am actually a guy. Please respect this and use only masculine words with me (he, him, his, guy, etc).

So what are you doing here?

People like me who engage in nontraditional sexual and gender behavior often get the short end of the stick, and can be reduced to feeling very alone and depressed. In addition to helping myself talk about and deal with some issues that may arise, I aim to help other people feel less lonely when they’re dealing with these issues.

Please, ask me anything in the comments, and I will make a post about it!