Posts Tagged ‘Advice’

Many poly arrangements begin with two people in a “traditional” relationship who have very modern ways of thinking, and therefore decide to branch out. However, this kind of transition can be tough and hard to navigate. As somebody who’s done it, let me give you some advice on how to open up an existing relationship to new partners.

 

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco...

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco Pride 2004. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

  1. Communicate. Discuss what each of you want from this undertaking. Ask each other questions like: Why do you want to do this? What kind of partners are you looking for? What kind of relationship do you want with these partners? What are your boundaries and hard limits? What sort of relationship structure would be best for you?
  2. Be serious. Using polyamory as an excuse to cheat is not okay. If you are earnest about the poly philosophy and using it to benefit everyone involved, then you should proceed.
  3. Pick new partners together. Whether you are considering a triangle arrangement or not, it may help both partners ease into the lifestyle if you make the partner selection process into teamwork. That way, everyone feels comfortable, included, and maybe even excited!
  4. Learn to deal with jealousy. It WILL happen, and everybody has different methods of dealing with it. Try talking with your partner about it and asking for reassurance, and if that doesn’t help, arrange to go out with friends while your partner is on a date so you don’t feel lonely or left out. (I’ll make sure to write another post exploring this issue.)
  5. COMMUNICATE. Never stop asking yourself and your partner(s) questions, and always listen to the answers.

If anybody else has input, feel free to leave a comment!

 

 

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Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Wanna hear something cute? The Boyfriend and I met on OKCupid, and decided to take our relationship to the meatsphere once we figured out that he lived two doors down from my best friend in the dorms. Another of my partners was a friend who found out I was kinky and available when she stumbled across my profile on the site.

While this is not my preferred method for finding partners (I’ll explain in a subsequent post), it’s relatively reliable and often where people begin looking.

Here are my tips for OKC success:

  • Put up a good picture. This is a basic ingredient for success, because people trust you more when they can see your eyes (and they learn right off the bat that they’re attracted to you!).
  • Be honest. This is the second basic ingredient that every OKCupid profile needs, whether you’re poly or not.
  • List yourself as “available.” Many people will immediately rule you out for dating if you list yourself as “seeing someone” or “married,” because they assume you are cheating on a spouse or partner. I don’t blame them.
  • Somewhere in the beginning of your profile, mention that you are in an open/poly relationship (or whatever your preferred term is) so that monogamous people don’t end up being “led along.”
  • Get your partner(s) to make profiles too, and mention their usernames along with your relationship description, reminding people that they can go check out their pages as well. In my opinion, this spirit of family and camaraderie is an important thing to see for someone who might join you. It proves that you’re not just cheating on a partner, but that you engage in a positive and healthy lifestyle that benefits everyone involved.

Good luck! If you have any more tips (or need advice) leave me a comment and I’l get back to you ASAP!

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  • Polyamory large

    Polyamory large (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    It might just be a natural part of you and the way you relate to others, like sexual orientation, and you shouldn’t deny a part of yourself.

  • Polyamory is about multiplying love and joy. The more opportunities you give yourself to love someone, the more love you will have in your life. And how can that be a bad thing?
  • It allows you to always be true to yourself and your emotions. Everybody has had interests in people that they couldn’t admit to their partners, and instead of shaming yourself for these natural feelings and hiding them, you get to explore them.
  • Different partners have different things to offer. My first foray into poly was with the admission that I was bisexual, and had never had a female partner. Boyfriend thought that was a shame, and here we are!
  • Everybody has something to teach you about yourself. Whether they are a romantic partner, a sexual partner, or just a friend, everyone has a reason to be in your life. This way, you can explore relationships to their utmost potential.
  • Everybody has something to teach you about sex. The more diverse sexual partners you have, the more creative you will be, and the better you will be able to cater to other partners’ needs.
  • You won’t be lonely when one partner is busy at work or out of town.

What are the pros of polyamory for you? Let me know in a comment!

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