Archive for the ‘transgender’ Category

8/19/12

Posted: August 20, 2012 in polyamory, transgender

Went on a really great date last night! We really clicked. 🙂

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Met a cool trans guy named Aiden* through Fetlife; we’re going on a date the week after next if he can find the time. I actually like him a LOT– he’s like a cross between me and my best friend but even quirkier, which I didn’t think was possible but is quite a plus. I had a jealousy attack when I offered to show him pictures of me and the Boyfriend, and he said he had already found him on his own. But I guess that expresses interest, right?

*All names are changed to protect the guilty.

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To transgender people, transphobia feels about as familiar as Tuesday. And usually, when we speak up about it, we get either brushed off, screamed at, or just totally invalidated.

I was browsing the “sex” tag today on WordPress and came across two instances of articles with transphobic language (just the usual “tr*nny” and “sh*m*le”) and politely left comments on both posts, expecting to be harassed or ignored. Much to my surprise, BOTH authors apologized and changed their posts to be less offensive and triggering (although one still contains a lot of objectification and cissexism).

While of course they didn’t do anything beyond basic human decency, I was still really pleasantly surprised. Gotta educate one step at a time.

Thanks, NYCBisexConfessions and Chatter Box Media!!

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(This is based on a discussion I saw on Tumblr.)

Being transgender can put you in really unique, but often sticky, situations, because of your relationship with your own body. Many of us are really sensitive about the gendered characteristics of our bodies (like our genitals, chests, hips, etc), and this can pose a challenge to a partner who wants to, or was planning on, being able to touch and talk about those places. Obviously this is an important topic for transgender people and their partners to discuss: What is it okay for me to touch, and in what way? What is it okay for me to say and talk about? What activities are you comfortable with?

But what if you’re transgender and kinky? What if you’re transgender and a submissive, like me? I am constantly torn between my desire to give myself to Boyfriend completely, but that’s very hard when I constantly have to call “yellow” to remind him my chest is off-limits today. He makes an effort to make me feel masculine all the time, especially during sexual activity, but sometimes my dysphoria still gets the best of me. Obviously I don’t yet have a conclusive solution.

If you are dealing with this, how do you handle it?

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I made this blog in part to help myself (and be helped by the internet at large) to help me deal with some strange jealousy issues that have popped up recently, so I’m also going to make sure to record those poly moments that make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Today (technically yesterday; it’s 4AM and I haven’t gone to bed because I’ve been awake talking with the Boyfriend) I had some really positive moments. We were throwing a birthday party for our transgender friend Serena. She never had a real girlhood (this was her first birthday party!) so we were making it up to her with all this stereotypical girl stuff she loves. I bought her a doll, some makeup, and some chocolate, and also gave her a dress that had been given to me. Watching her day be made by these things and the care we put into her party was certainly a very positive and fuzzy moment (although not a poly one).

The only other guest in attendance at the party was my sometime-partner, Annie (all names are changed to protect the guilty). She is this beautiful willowy Victorian goth girl, and also one of the most intelligent, graceful, and loving people I know. However, I do sometimes find her frustrating because she very seldom STATES any of her feelings in a way that makes me feel comfortable acting upon them (whereas I am frank to a fault). I also have a real problem getting close to women and not being nervous around them (partially because of my gender issues, and partially because I am WAY more attracted to women than men). I mean, I SHOULD feel close to Annie, since she took a fistful of hair and pumped my head up and down as I blew Boyfriend’s cock, but yknow, I am kind of weird about some things.

Annie also happens to be a make-up artist. Serena can’t do her own makeup because she can’t see, so I applied her lip gloss and Annie volunteered to do her eye-shadow, and then sat back, stating that mascara was more complicated, apparently unwilling to try it. Though I know literally nothing about make-up, and have never worn it in day-to-day life, I valiantly picked up the wand and dabbed on a light coat, managing to not poke anybody’s eyes out. Like a champ.

I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but I may have seen admiration in her eyes, in addition to just general flirtatiousness. The way she looked at me during that whole interaction made it obvious to me that she is very interested in me and liked the way I treat Serena, which is comforting because I am a stubbornly oblivious lump. I’m sure next time we hang out I’ll go further with her. (P.S. She also likes to make bukkake jokes in reference to me. I don’t understand how someone so ladylike can be SO UNLADYLIKE, but I love it.)

When I like to flatter myself, I admit that I have a really big heart. It’s partially due to all my own adjectives that have required acceptance from others over the years, and partially due to growing up with an autistic little brother. I like to think that not only am I accepting of diversity, but I think it’s fucking awesome, and I try to make freaks like me feel as badass as possible, all of the time.

So yeah, confidence boost!

I know this because I’m a blogging addict. While we’re here, we may as well get some things out of the way, because as I said, I have a lot of adjectives.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is the opposite of monogamy, which is in our culture the “default” system of two partners being emotionally and sexually involved only with each other. Polyamorous people, on the other hand, have multiple partners at once, with all partners consenting to this arrangement (meaning it’s not cheating). There are many ways to be polyamorous.

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, meaning we are each other’s primary partners, but we also branch out into other, slightly less committed relationships.

What does it mean to be kinky?

Kinky people engage or are interested in fetishes and BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and/or masochism). I am mainly a submissive, but sometimes like to try some sadism or dominance.

What the hell is pansexual?

While most people might describe me as bisexual, I prefer the term “pansexual,” meaning I have attractions to people of all genders (yes, there are more than two).

What does it mean to be transgender?

Transgender people feel a divide between the sex that they were assigned at birth, and the gender they feel themselves to be. So while everyone has thought of me my entire life as a girl, I am actually a guy. Please respect this and use only masculine words with me (he, him, his, guy, etc).

So what are you doing here?

People like me who engage in nontraditional sexual and gender behavior often get the short end of the stick, and can be reduced to feeling very alone and depressed. In addition to helping myself talk about and deal with some issues that may arise, I aim to help other people feel less lonely when they’re dealing with these issues.

Please, ask me anything in the comments, and I will make a post about it!