Archive for the ‘polyamory’ Category

8/19/12

Posted: August 20, 2012 in polyamory, transgender

Went on a really great date last night! We really clicked. đŸ™‚

Met a cool trans guy named Aiden* through Fetlife; we’re going on a date the week after next if he can find the time. I actually like him a LOT– he’s like a cross between me and my best friend but even quirkier, which I didn’t think was possible but is quite a plus. I had a jealousy attack when I offered to show him pictures of me and the Boyfriend, and he said he had already found him on his own. But I guess that expresses interest, right?

*All names are changed to protect the guilty.

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Many poly arrangements begin with two people in a “traditional” relationship who have very modern ways of thinking, and therefore decide to branch out. However, this kind of transition can be tough and hard to navigate. As somebody who’s done it, let me give you some advice on how to open up an existing relationship to new partners.

 

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco...

English: Polyamory contingent at San Francisco Pride 2004. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

  1. Communicate. Discuss what each of you want from this undertaking. Ask each other questions like: Why do you want to do this? What kind of partners are you looking for? What kind of relationship do you want with these partners? What are your boundaries and hard limits? What sort of relationship structure would be best for you?
  2. Be serious. Using polyamory as an excuse to cheat is not okay. If you are earnest about the poly philosophy and using it to benefit everyone involved, then you should proceed.
  3. Pick new partners together. Whether you are considering a triangle arrangement or not, it may help both partners ease into the lifestyle if you make the partner selection process into teamwork. That way, everyone feels comfortable, included, and maybe even excited!
  4. Learn to deal with jealousy. It WILL happen, and everybody has different methods of dealing with it. Try talking with your partner about it and asking for reassurance, and if that doesn’t help, arrange to go out with friends while your partner is on a date so you don’t feel lonely or left out. (I’ll make sure to write another post exploring this issue.)
  5. COMMUNICATE. Never stop asking yourself and your partner(s) questions, and always listen to the answers.

If anybody else has input, feel free to leave a comment!

 

 

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I feel less jealous now that I know that most of Boyfriend’s sexual fantasies involve watching me with a woman. đŸ™‚ Sexualizing things just punches jealousy in the face.

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Annie just made it clear, at the birthday party that we were at, that she is not really interested in pursuing anything with me and the Boyfriend, purely due to emotional tie-ups with other people. I told her that was fine, which it really is because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable or obligated, but I really am sad about it. (I was drunk so either way she got a kiss on the cheek.)

I have such a hard time connecting emotionally with people, that even as close as I was with her (not very…) I still feel a great sense of loss. I respect her and really enjoy her company; she was the only person who understood my transness immediately, who could talk about social justice issues, who was really on the same level as me with a lot of things.

I think I might actually even love her, which is tough to deal with, especially since I kind of only realized it once the possibilities were cut off.

Besides this, I had a fun evening with Cassie and Deb and others (there was a cuddle puddle, lots of massages, riding crops, and alcohol involved), and I did get tied to a fence post (they untied me because a neighbor looked kind of freaked out, and we didn’t want anybody to call the cops) but overall I’m left feeling a little empty. Between being put in subspace like that and then just being let go, and the Annie thing, I’m just feeling kind of bruised.

Also, Annie was really the only partner we still had around. This disappoints me in a different way as well, because I was just starting to conquer my recent jealousy issues. Cassie, as I said in an earlier post, doesn’t seem to be very interested anymore: she will give me kisses, and apparently tie me up, but her attention span is short. Deb is complicated, because she’s in a monogamous relationship and I’m not sure how attracted I am to her anyways (though she is a great Domme). Evangeline, who I haven’t yet mentioned, has graduated and lives 80 miles away, in my home-city. While she may come to visit, we can’t be as close anymore as we once were. I have a slight interest in two male friends, but honestly, I’m not really attracted to guys and no man can compare to my Boyfriend in bed anyways. One just discovered the Dom in him at our party, but I still don’t think I’m going to actually pursue anything. I’ve had enough men…

You could say I feel cast adrift, almost. College is an ideal atmosphere for these sorts of relationships, but now that Boyfriend has graduated, it’s more up to me to be the flirt. This is terrifying, because he was always my wing-man.

Well, we’ll see what happens won’t we, blogosphere?

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Image representing OkCupid as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Wanna hear something cute? The Boyfriend and I met on OKCupid, and decided to take our relationship to the meatsphere once we figured out that he lived two doors down from my best friend in the dorms. Another of my partners was a friend who found out I was kinky and available when she stumbled across my profile on the site.

While this is not my preferred method for finding partners (I’ll explain in a subsequent post), it’s relatively reliable and often where people begin looking.

Here are my tips for OKC success:

  • Put up a good picture. This is a basic ingredient for success, because people trust you more when they can see your eyes (and they learn right off the bat that they’re attracted to you!).
  • Be honest. This is the second basic ingredient that every OKCupid profile needs, whether you’re poly or not.
  • List yourself as “available.” Many people will immediately rule you out for dating if you list yourself as “seeing someone” or “married,” because they assume you are cheating on a spouse or partner. I don’t blame them.
  • Somewhere in the beginning of your profile, mention that you are in an open/poly relationship (or whatever your preferred term is) so that monogamous people don’t end up being “led along.”
  • Get your partner(s) to make profiles too, and mention their usernames along with your relationship description, reminding people that they can go check out their pages as well. In my opinion, this spirit of family and camaraderie is an important thing to see for someone who might join you. It proves that you’re not just cheating on a partner, but that you engage in a positive and healthy lifestyle that benefits everyone involved.

Good luck! If you have any more tips (or need advice) leave me a comment and I’l get back to you ASAP!

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Posted: July 24, 2012 in polyamory

Aw, man!

My partner Annie was going to come over this afternoon before our friend Cassie’s birthday party, but she canceled. :/ And here I was prepping myself to be all brave! Oh well, she can come over afterwards, once the three of us are intoxicated…