Posted: July 25, 2012 in polyamory
Tags: , , , ,

Annie just made it clear, at the birthday party that we were at, that she is not really interested in pursuing anything with me and the Boyfriend, purely due to emotional tie-ups with other people. I told her that was fine, which it really is because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable or obligated, but I really am sad about it. (I was drunk so either way she got a kiss on the cheek.)

I have such a hard time connecting emotionally with people, that even as close as I was with her (not very…) I still feel a great sense of loss. I respect her and really enjoy her company; she was the only person who understood my transness immediately, who could talk about social justice issues, who was really on the same level as me with a lot of things.

I think I might actually even love her, which is tough to deal with, especially since I kind of only realized it once the possibilities were cut off.

Besides this, I had a fun evening with Cassie and Deb and others (there was a cuddle puddle, lots of massages, riding crops, and alcohol involved), and I did get tied to a fence post (they untied me because a neighbor looked kind of freaked out, and we didn’t want anybody to call the cops) but overall I’m left feeling a little empty. Between being put in subspace like that and then just being let go, and the Annie thing, I’m just feeling kind of bruised.

Also, Annie was really the only partner we still had around. This disappoints me in a different way as well, because I was just starting to conquer my recent jealousy issues. Cassie, as I said in an earlier post, doesn’t seem to be very interested anymore: she will give me kisses, and apparently tie me up, but her attention span is short. Deb is complicated, because she’s in a monogamous relationship and I’m not sure how attracted I am to her anyways (though she is a great Domme). Evangeline, who I haven’t yet mentioned, has graduated and lives 80 miles away, in my home-city. While she may come to visit, we can’t be as close anymore as we once were. I have a slight interest in two male friends, but honestly, I’m not really attracted to guys and no man can compare to my Boyfriend in bed anyways. One just discovered the Dom in him at our party, but I still don’t think I’m going to actually pursue anything. I’ve had enough men…

You could say I feel cast adrift, almost. College is an ideal atmosphere for these sorts of relationships, but now that Boyfriend has graduated, it’s more up to me to be the flirt. This is terrifying, because he was always my wing-man.

Well, we’ll see what happens won’t we, blogosphere?

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